Because I Have Today...

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets

And stared at a thousand full moons

Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever

And sometimes it all feels brand new

But if there were no more tomorrows

If I knew that I could not stay

I know how I'd spend every moment

If only I had today

I'd hold you and listen

And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink

I'd tell you I loved you over and over

And for once I'd just let the phone ring

Then I'd remind you of forever

And how our love would never change

If only I had today

There's no time like the present

Life doesn't come with any guarantees

The sun will set and time won't wait

So while I have today

I'll hold you and listen
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink
I'll tell you I love you over and over
For once I'll just let the phone ring
And I'll remind you of forever
And how our love will never change
Because I have today

(words from song, "If I only had today"-Hillary Weeks)

Hi! It's me again. I know it's been a long time but I just haven't been able to jump back on the blog wagon with full enthusiasm. I keep asking myself, "To blog? or not to blog?" But, because this is my attempt at a journal, scrapbooking, family history, etc., I figure I need to give it another shot. And, since I have a moment of silence (Lillie's napping and the kids are playing at the neighbors) I figured I'd take advantage of it. Who knows how long it will last and I do have a plethera of things to blog about.

My mom just gave me the Hillary Weeks CD, If I Only Had Today, for my birthday and it is amazing! It's powerful how the music and lyrics of every song interpret the exactness of how many of us (my family) are feeling. It is so powerful, inspiring, and so healing. As much as I don't want to , I guess I will try and start where I left off 3 months ago.

So I have had a ton of things on my mind the past few months. (And just like that, Lillie wakes up!) First of all I feel so blessed to have the knowledge I do as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Knowing that we can be united with loved ones again after we die, and knowing that families can be forever, has an incredibly deeper meaning to our family.

Second, I am so thankful for the countless tender mercies the Lord blessed us with in so many experiences throughout this whole ordeal. We were blessed with incredible moments as we spent time together as a family during Alyssa's last week of life and in the days that followed. There are so many precious memories that I will forever cherish. I am so blessed and grateful I was able to be there.

Also, my faith has been strengthened as I watched my sister, her husband, and family, exemplify Christlike love for sweet Alyssa, and witnessed their example of trust and faith in our Savior's plan. Their experience touched the lives of so many and they truly taught all of us by their example.

And finally, I am truly amazed at the outpouring of love from so many wonderful people, and the way that the small community where I grew up, united in love to give their support to my sister and her family. Wow! It was incredible and my faith in the good in people was restored.

An event like this, like loosing someone we love, has had an amazing impact. I can't explain exactly how my sister and her husband are feeling, but I do know that they are so much more like our Heavenly Father and Mother after experiencing this. Our heavenly parents know exactly how it feels to have to say goodbye to one of their own. For myself, this experience strengthened my testimony and renewed my desire to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and child of God. It renewed my focus to want to try to live each day to the fullest and genuinely try to be a better person. Caring less about myself and wanting to embrace charity in my life.

Yet I am amazed at how quickly life takes over and how I find myself swallowed up in the monotony of each day. Worrying and stressing about the most trivial things and sacrificing precious moments with my kids, just to "get something done". My sister's wise words in a recent email were a wonderful wake up call to me. She said..."Treasure those days of having your children home with you all day! Play with them, look them in the eyes and help them experience life's little joys. Kiss and hug them constantly and let them see your smiling eyes and face. There is no greater love than that of a mother to her children, especially when we stop focusing on the things that need to 'get done,' and enjoy just the doing and being. Let them see it when they look into your eyes, not the 'hurry and finish what you're going to say so I can get back to what I'm doing.' Those are precious days that are gone too soon." These words hit me so hard. I haven't been treasuring my days with my children. I have been so busy and distracted with so much that they have been seeing the 'hurry and finish what you're going to say' looks more than they should.

I have been letting the important things slide, like my personal scripture study and prayer, and have found myself worrying so much about "me". And then in moments of complete desperation I find myself falling to my knees for comfort and forgiveness and for the strength to do more and be more, and to once again refocus on the things that matter. Which if I'd remember to do the important things in the first place, I wouldn't have to have so many moments of desperation.

I am so grateful for the phrase that repeats itself often in the scriptures that says how our Father's arms "are lengthened out all the day long". I love that! What an amazing comfort that is! And I know that is true, because no matter how many times I find myself falling into the same undesireable pattern, I can ask for forgiveness and strength to start anew, and I have never once felt like the Savior says, "I'm sorry. I've heard this a hundred times and I'm not giving you another chance." I always feel the peace, strength, comfort and love again.

Also, this quote I read recently has been a huge help in keeping my focus and worrying less about "me" and worrying more about my role as mother. "When a man and a woman marry with the intention of forming a new family, their success in that endeavor depends on their willingness to renounce the single-minded pursuit of self-fulfillment and to sacrifice their time and means to the nurturing and rearing of their children. " -The Divine Institution of Marriage, newsroom.lds.org

So, thank you Lori! Once again your wise words and example have strengthened me. And while I continue to try to make each day better than the last, and try to treasure this time I have with my kids, I know I won't always succeed. And that's alright. I know it's okay when some things don't go exactly the way I think they should, and that I should be grateful, because I have today.

So while I have today
I'll hold you and listen

I'll let the dishes sit in the sink

I'll tell you I love you over and over

For once I'll just let the phone ring

And I'll remind you of forever

And how our love will never change
Because I have today

Getting back to Alyssa, sometimes it all seems like a bad dream. Like none of it really happened and the next trip to Utah, things will be the way they were. But when I really stop and let myself think about, relive, and feel the events of those days, I know that we will forever be changed. And we should be. We will always be missing her. And that's okay. We should miss her. We should want to remember her and talk about her, and keep her alive in our memories and hearts. Until that glorious day when we'll be with her again.

(My sister shares some details about Alyssa on her Carepage. If you'd like to, log in and then search for Alyssa's Journey to read more!)