Because I Have Today...

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets

And stared at a thousand full moons

Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever

And sometimes it all feels brand new

But if there were no more tomorrows

If I knew that I could not stay

I know how I'd spend every moment

If only I had today

I'd hold you and listen

And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink

I'd tell you I loved you over and over

And for once I'd just let the phone ring

Then I'd remind you of forever

And how our love would never change

If only I had today

There's no time like the present

Life doesn't come with any guarantees

The sun will set and time won't wait

So while I have today

I'll hold you and listen
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink
I'll tell you I love you over and over
For once I'll just let the phone ring
And I'll remind you of forever
And how our love will never change
Because I have today

(words from song, "If I only had today"-Hillary Weeks)

Hi! It's me again. I know it's been a long time but I just haven't been able to jump back on the blog wagon with full enthusiasm. I keep asking myself, "To blog? or not to blog?" But, because this is my attempt at a journal, scrapbooking, family history, etc., I figure I need to give it another shot. And, since I have a moment of silence (Lillie's napping and the kids are playing at the neighbors) I figured I'd take advantage of it. Who knows how long it will last and I do have a plethera of things to blog about.

My mom just gave me the Hillary Weeks CD, If I Only Had Today, for my birthday and it is amazing! It's powerful how the music and lyrics of every song interpret the exactness of how many of us (my family) are feeling. It is so powerful, inspiring, and so healing. As much as I don't want to , I guess I will try and start where I left off 3 months ago.

So I have had a ton of things on my mind the past few months. (And just like that, Lillie wakes up!) First of all I feel so blessed to have the knowledge I do as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Knowing that we can be united with loved ones again after we die, and knowing that families can be forever, has an incredibly deeper meaning to our family.

Second, I am so thankful for the countless tender mercies the Lord blessed us with in so many experiences throughout this whole ordeal. We were blessed with incredible moments as we spent time together as a family during Alyssa's last week of life and in the days that followed. There are so many precious memories that I will forever cherish. I am so blessed and grateful I was able to be there.

Also, my faith has been strengthened as I watched my sister, her husband, and family, exemplify Christlike love for sweet Alyssa, and witnessed their example of trust and faith in our Savior's plan. Their experience touched the lives of so many and they truly taught all of us by their example.

And finally, I am truly amazed at the outpouring of love from so many wonderful people, and the way that the small community where I grew up, united in love to give their support to my sister and her family. Wow! It was incredible and my faith in the good in people was restored.

An event like this, like loosing someone we love, has had an amazing impact. I can't explain exactly how my sister and her husband are feeling, but I do know that they are so much more like our Heavenly Father and Mother after experiencing this. Our heavenly parents know exactly how it feels to have to say goodbye to one of their own. For myself, this experience strengthened my testimony and renewed my desire to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and child of God. It renewed my focus to want to try to live each day to the fullest and genuinely try to be a better person. Caring less about myself and wanting to embrace charity in my life.

Yet I am amazed at how quickly life takes over and how I find myself swallowed up in the monotony of each day. Worrying and stressing about the most trivial things and sacrificing precious moments with my kids, just to "get something done". My sister's wise words in a recent email were a wonderful wake up call to me. She said..."Treasure those days of having your children home with you all day! Play with them, look them in the eyes and help them experience life's little joys. Kiss and hug them constantly and let them see your smiling eyes and face. There is no greater love than that of a mother to her children, especially when we stop focusing on the things that need to 'get done,' and enjoy just the doing and being. Let them see it when they look into your eyes, not the 'hurry and finish what you're going to say so I can get back to what I'm doing.' Those are precious days that are gone too soon." These words hit me so hard. I haven't been treasuring my days with my children. I have been so busy and distracted with so much that they have been seeing the 'hurry and finish what you're going to say' looks more than they should.

I have been letting the important things slide, like my personal scripture study and prayer, and have found myself worrying so much about "me". And then in moments of complete desperation I find myself falling to my knees for comfort and forgiveness and for the strength to do more and be more, and to once again refocus on the things that matter. Which if I'd remember to do the important things in the first place, I wouldn't have to have so many moments of desperation.

I am so grateful for the phrase that repeats itself often in the scriptures that says how our Father's arms "are lengthened out all the day long". I love that! What an amazing comfort that is! And I know that is true, because no matter how many times I find myself falling into the same undesireable pattern, I can ask for forgiveness and strength to start anew, and I have never once felt like the Savior says, "I'm sorry. I've heard this a hundred times and I'm not giving you another chance." I always feel the peace, strength, comfort and love again.

Also, this quote I read recently has been a huge help in keeping my focus and worrying less about "me" and worrying more about my role as mother. "When a man and a woman marry with the intention of forming a new family, their success in that endeavor depends on their willingness to renounce the single-minded pursuit of self-fulfillment and to sacrifice their time and means to the nurturing and rearing of their children. " -The Divine Institution of Marriage, newsroom.lds.org

So, thank you Lori! Once again your wise words and example have strengthened me. And while I continue to try to make each day better than the last, and try to treasure this time I have with my kids, I know I won't always succeed. And that's alright. I know it's okay when some things don't go exactly the way I think they should, and that I should be grateful, because I have today.

So while I have today
I'll hold you and listen

I'll let the dishes sit in the sink

I'll tell you I love you over and over

For once I'll just let the phone ring

And I'll remind you of forever

And how our love will never change
Because I have today

Getting back to Alyssa, sometimes it all seems like a bad dream. Like none of it really happened and the next trip to Utah, things will be the way they were. But when I really stop and let myself think about, relive, and feel the events of those days, I know that we will forever be changed. And we should be. We will always be missing her. And that's okay. We should miss her. We should want to remember her and talk about her, and keep her alive in our memories and hearts. Until that glorious day when we'll be with her again.

(My sister shares some details about Alyssa on her Carepage. If you'd like to, log in and then search for Alyssa's Journey to read more!)

I Hate Cancer

My heart is breaking and I am so angry, sad, devastated, and
frustrated all at the same time. My sister called today. After months of Chemo, surgeries, and endless trips to Primary Children's, the cancer continues to spread. They are going to bring Alyssa home to spend as much time as she can, surrounded by her family and loved ones.


I hate cancer. I hate that it has the power to take lives. I hate that it alters dreams and hopes of individuals and families. I hate that it has taken over this sweet little girls body, and she can no longer fight it. I hate that it has taken away her agency and her chance to live a long, fulfilling life. I hate that her family and loved ones are going to have to give her that one last kiss. I hate cancer.

Pray for my sister and her family. Pray that they will feel the loving arms of our Heavenly Father and Savior encircle them, strengthen them, lift them up, and give them the comfort and peace they will need. Pray that Alyssa will be comfortable and free of pain. Pray for her sister and brothers. And, would it be too much to ask to pray for a miracle? We love you Lori, David & kids. We love you, Alyssa.

Splish Splash FUN......

Believe it or not we have had some beautiful weather this summer, and we've discovered a favorite place to go to escape the heat. It's a great new park not far away that has a big splash pad, sand box, and playground area. Something for everyone!

While I was loading up the car, the kid's were picking little berries off the bushes and wanted to bring some home. When we got home, Isaac said that his nose hurt. I was not too surprised to find out he had shoved some berries up his nose. I don't know if it is boys in general, or just Isaac, but he has had this thing with sticking things up his nose. A while ago it was cornflakes. Yes, cornflakes. And now the berries. He did a great job lying so still while I removed them with some tweezers (which I enjoyed a little too much) and he was good to go. Will this be enough to end his nose stuffing curiosity? Let's hope so.

the nose in pain and the fated berries

Summertime Fun at the Beach?

Oh no, no, no. This gorgeous day at Alki Beach happened back in...... April!

It was such an amazing day. We enjoyed a yummy lunch of fresh-cod-fish-n'-chips on the waterfront and then headed to the beach. We weren't planning on spending a lot of time in the water, but we had an unexpected surprise. All of a sudden the water was getting further out, and with our rookie beach experience we thought "could this be a tsunami?" (we were clueless of what was going on.) Oh. Everyone relax. False alarm. It's just a LOW TIDE!! This made for some great little island beaches and tide pools that we had a blast with. We enjoyed ourselves so much that we hadn't realized we'd been there for about 6 hours!

Unfortunately the weather was too good to last. The following weekend we got 7, yes 7 inches of SNOW!! Oh Tucson weather, I am missing you!

Old News. Very Old News.....

Hello Bloggin' World. Let's just say my blogging life has not been top priority these past few months. I hope the anticipation of wondering what has been taking place in the Belnap Family hasn't been too much to handle (I'll humor myself and think that it has). I now have an extreme amount of catching up to do, which will mostly consist of old news. Soon to come.... a couple of trips to Utah, birthday celebrations, camping trips and hot dog roasts, family visitors, and more....To start off, I found my blog on Easter that I had never published. It now appears after the "I'm a new woman..." post. Oh the joy of reminiscing......

I am a new woman......well, atleast for the day!

So if I had to complain about one thing in my life right now, which I shouldn't even be complaining about, it would be bedtime. Not so much the getting-to-bed part, even though it takes way longer than it should to get the kids to bed. No, it's the when-we-are-sleeping part. Or should I say, when we are supposed to be sleeping. And it hasn't helped that Lillie has a cold which she got from her biggest admirer, Isaac.

Just to give you an idea, here is a scenario of what my nights are like: Imagine an 8 month old who has outgrown her cradle but is still not sleeping through the night, so she can't sleep in the crib in the kids room yet (we live in a 2 bedroom, what were we thinking?), and mom has gotten into the really bad habit of letting her sleep with her. So that means every two hours or so, baby is still waking up wanting to eat and mom complies because mom can't let her cry and wake up dad who leaves at 5:30 and really needs his sleep. Bad. Then, the almost 5 year old comes to get mom once or twice a night to come and sleep with her in her bed and mom complies. (Again, we can't have crying.) So dad ends up bringing baby to mom sometime in the night, which is usually not close enough for the alarm to go off for him to stay awake, but close enough that it's real hard to get back to sleep. Very bad. And maybe 3 or 4 nights a week the 2 yr old wakes up and won't go back to sleep unless he's in the 5 yr old's bed too. Bad, very bad. So... it is not unusual for dad to come into the kid's room to find mom and 3 kids crammed into one bed, whisper the morning prayers and say goodbye. And then it never fails that at the 2 yr old is ready to be awake and go downstairs at around 6:30 am. That's when mom is close to loosing it, but the 2yr old is happy with chocolate milk, cereal in a bowl to munch on, and "Petey" (the dog on Little Rascals movie) so mom can go join the slumber party once again. Only to be woken up at 7 by the 5 yr old who now wants to be awake and downstairs, but only if mom comes too.

So.........after who knows how many weeks of this, yesterday I finally did loose it. I sat on the couch with my kids while they drank their chocolate milk and munched on cereal, and I cried. Of course, this resulted in all of us crying cause they were pretty freaked out that mom was crying. It was quite the scene. I had to quickly reassure them that mommy was okay and that she was just REALLY tired! So when I "talked" to Brian later in the day, he informed me he didn't have to go into work until 3 the next day and he quickly volunteered to take care of the older kids that night. That was my saving grace. I almost couldn't wait for bedtime! Let's just say that I woke up that night wondering what time it was and why I had so much room in MY bed (Brian had gone into the kids room), and I didn't hear the kids all night. (except for Lillie who was sleeping with me and only woke up twice!) I finally woke up at 7 am feeling quite rested, and I couldn't help but smile as I welcomed the new day. I felt like a new woman! My hubby definitely earned the husband of the day award! Thank you so much sweetheart! (we even agreed that this will be happening more often in the future!!)

And to make the day even better, I woke up to beautiful blue skies and SUNSHINE! It was a gorgeous day! A much needed change from the crazy snow, hail, and rain we have the past few days. We took full advantage of it and packed a picnic lunch and took a walk to the lake near our home. The kids enjoyed throwing rocks in the water and we soaked in the much needed sunshine. We then said goodbye to dad as he left for work and the kids and I stayed at the park for a little longer, and even went for another walk. We weren't quite ready to leave the sunshine. Brooklyn loved cruising on her bike and kept saying, "I need to keep riding mom, I really need to get my exercise". We truly had a really great day! I am on my own again tonight, but after today's rejuvinating (is that a word?) all I can say is, "Bring it on!!"

***************

Some photos of our day soakin' in the sun. I can never get a decent picture of Isaac. He thought he was so funny the way he would say, "cheese!" The grumpy picture of Lil is what happens when you take anything away from her that she is anxious to sink her little teeth into. And for the GW Gang...yes, Brian is still sporting his lecture clothes!

"Easter time is a time for eggs....."

And boy did we have the eggs! By the way, did Easter feel a little strange to anyone else being that is was so early this year? It especially didn't help that we got a crazy rain storm that day. But, we were able to enjoy the great Easter egg hunting, candy eating, hair curling, frilly dress wearing, picture posing, ham & cheesy potato eating, fun. And most importantly, it was wonderful to reflect on the Savior's Atonement and Resurrection; the real reason we celebrate Easter. (not that the Cadbury Mini Eggs don't add to the celebration. It wouldn't be Easter without them!) The talks in church were incredible, the kids looked adorable and we just had a great day!

We have 1 o'clock church, so we had plenty of time to enjoy an egg hunt and have a yummy breakfast before having to get all dolled up. I curled Brooklyn's hair for the first time and I could kick myself for not doing it more. She looked beautiful. One of my favorite things about Easter is getting new Sunday dresses. I remember this so vividly as a young girl, when my mom would make my sisters and I a new Easter dress. They were always so beautiful and "twirly". I am thrilled I have two girls to get dresses for (yes, I buy them, I am no seamstress.) I feel a little guilty about Isaac, though. I was too preoccupied with the girls, so he didn't get his haircut and his shirt was a little big. Sigh. Brooklyn was cracking us up when it came time for pictures. She would pose herself for each picture, and then continued to pose everyone else for their shot. (She couldn't be MY daughter, could she !?!) She even took some of the pictures herself, which she's actually pretty good at.